glimmer

normally if i really get my heart set on something and pray and wish really hard for it... it falls through. and this week has been no exception. apartment hunting led me to the cutest little duplex i'd ever seen in south park. it felt like part of the shire with lush greenery surrounding it on the side of a canyon, and a neighborhood fire pit circled with lawn chairs. the first day i saw the ad on craigslist joe and i drove to the apartment and wandered around the outside of it and i loved it. calling the number on the listing immediately, they informed me that the tenant would be occupying the residence for another week and that they could put my name down to call when it was ready to view and i began holding my breath, daydreaming. monday i didn't hear anything so i decided on tuesday that i would call to start filling out an application, i didn't care what the inside looked like, i wanted that apartment. as soon as i got off work, i went to my car and called the rental agency. the apartment had been filled. i cried.

in a way i guess i felt like that apartment was symbolic of who i want to be... of everything that i want...

that goes back also to a graphic design position that was being offered at the company i work for. in december i sent a resume and samples of my work. i kept checking on the career posting making sure that the position was still available and didn't hear anything from the hr department. eventually saw the position disappear from the open positions page and shortly after that a company email was sent out welcoming a new member to the creative department.

comedy, of course, has it's highs and lows... and i don't really talk about the highs much but i have had a couple of really good shows in the last couple months... but since feb 13th it's been mostly lows... not really able to get responses from the audience that i'm looking for, not really able to come up with very good new material, i'm just overall dissatisfied with myself. i'm the only one that can change it.

this morning i was finally contacted by the hr department. she told me that she had received my resume and that i didn't have the experience that they were looking for. the candidate that they chose had a degree from RISD. she said, though, that they have a program, lynda, that offers tutorials for designs and adobe programs that they could give me access to for refining my skills outside of work. it's a pretty expensive set-up so i am really grateful for them offering that to me.

i need to go back to school.

i hate it when i can't make everyone happy! i hate it when i can't make everyone like me! i hate being unhappy!!!!

there's always going to be something to complain about, there's always going to be someone unhappy, there's always going to be someone that doesn't like me...

the point is for me to be happy and satisfied with my decisions. for me to be confident, and commit to the decisions i make. to be positive, constructive and grateful.

and even though there's always going to be someone that doesn't like me, or is annoyed with me... i still need to be aware of how i'm treating people and i need to be less wrapped up in my own awkwardness. it's a little selfish to always be looking for something funny... it's a little selfish to be so self-conscious that i'm unaware of other people's feelings... everything is sort of a balancing game and it's interesting how even nutrition plays a part in being mentally balanced.

i'd like to be a more balanced individual... i wonder if the wii fit could help with that

annoying

when i first started doing comedy i had no idea what i was getting into, how many layers there are to this art or how many people flow through it. crowds can be pliable, they can be forgiving and they can be brutal. some crowds are so brutal they don't even realizing they're ruining the show. i guess that's a lesson that i'm going to have to learn as i continue... how to defend against the brutality. i'm not strong enough yet i think, i went retarded for a second last night and the encouraging voices of my friends from behind the stage lights kept me from retreating completely into the back of my mind. i will not be demeaned, right? i will not be yelled at? yes i have a lot to learn. i don't want to become jaded... i don't want to ever think 'fuck you it's funny' when a crowd doesn't laugh. but i do need to figure out my own style of gently yet firmly reminding the audience that they are the audience and not the entertainment.

there are so many different personalities to deal with in this business! it seems that naturally in an organized environment things will get very political. why can't we all just strive to be decent human beings and respect each other? nothing is more frustrating when people can't see outside of their own point of view. try putting yourself in someone else's shoes for a while, people of earth!

i have been getting booked on more shows which is pretty awesome. a couple are stage time in return for making flyers because i'm a pro at that. but a few are just people asking me to be a part of them. i can see why more of my friends haven't asked me to be on their shows as week to week i'm inconsistent comdedicly. i definitely need more stage time to develop more. gah! such a cycle!

one of my biggest fears is being considered an annoying person... and i try really hard to be considerate, helpful, constructive and positive...

nope

i will not be a victim. i will not be abused. i will not be threatened. i will not be bullied. i will not be screamed at. i will not be unappreciated. i will not be taken advantage of. i will not be demeaned. i will not be an object. i will not be a tool.

i will not stand for it.

10 honest things

dorothy has nominated me for the 10 honest things list :) i don't know if mine will be as good though... i can't think of anything as brutally honest as liking the twilight series ;)

1. today i spilled a little coffee on my jeans, then realized that i've been wearing the same pair of pants the last three days... and have kept wearing them because i hadn't spilled anything on them... time to wash

2. i get really bad heartburn when it's "that time" of the month... which makes me sad.

3. choices are really hard for me to make... from what to eat to what career move i want to make... i think part of that is my lack of confidence that i will be good at whatever i choose... it's my illogical fear of regret that causes this...

4. ^ i just realized that as i was typing it...

5. i like hummus a lot. i don't think joseph has ever tried it but he refuses to let me get it at the grocery store... now it's kind of a joke and one time we had like a five minute interchange where i was trying to put it in the cart and he was treating me like ceasar milan trains dogs... it entertained a couple people in the grocery store at the time... but i've still not had any hummus.

6. my hats are cute... but sometimes i'm only wearing it because i don't want to brush my hair.

7. wishing is a waste of time... chasing dreams with action is not...

8. being happy with my choices in life makes everything so much easier... as does realizing that what's meant to happen WILL HAPPEN but i still have to do my part to get it there...

9. i'm pretty sure i've seen every episode of america's next top model... and i don't say that proudly... just honestly... and i think it's a bit worse than dorothy's admition about twilight because nothing about top model reminds me of how much god loves me. it does, however, ispire me in some ways like making useful art that tells a story, to not be boring (impossible, right? you'd think) it's also inspiring as a comic, to be aware of myself and what i'm doing... granted i am NOT aware of everything i'm doing while i'm on stage but it would be really helpful if i were.

10. i, actually really really like my life right now. no, i'm not happy with every single part of my life, but for the most part i am having a great time.

i don't think 7 people even read my blog so the following people should do the same 10 honest things:

molly
sharon
melody
jenny?

good night, blarney stone

last night was the last night for comedy at the blarney... and i'm pretty disappointed that i never got to experience the character-testing audience. the blarney was well known for having harsh audiences, hecklers and talkers. a lot of comics showed up last night... and i think knowing that this was a "last show" somewhere was what drew a lot in... we all needed some sort of closure, i think. a funeral of sorts for the three places that shut down comedy last week.

holy smokes

tuesday we found out that mad house would be closing indefinitely. there were a lot of phone calls, a lot of text messages and a lot of facebook statuses giving kinda different information as to what was really going on but bottom line was that there will be no shows until further notice. we're still really hopeful that it'll be soon but at the longest mad house will be back in business in six months. its crazy that it's only been open near 90 days and has changed so many people's lives... jessica and i were talking about it last night... that we don't want to go back to those silly lives that we had before the club. for me, the club gave my comedy purpose, inspired me and grew me... but i'm not done growing yet either. i'm just getting started, my hunger just began, i just became addicted. we also found out yesterday that the blarney stone will not be doing comedy after this sunday and that dirtbag has put a stop on all comedy plans. they had a show lined up for this saturday that they now will not be doing. that's three comedy venues gone in the past two days. it's like i just became addicted to crack and the world is all the sudden running out of crack. kim is putting an awesome plan into affect... she's starting to round up all the comics and we're going to hit up every open mic out there, and show these places, the world, ourselves that there is a market for comedy. it's possible that we, as comics, needed this as a wake up call. we need to stop san diego from becoming a one-comedy-club-town(did i use those hyphens correctly?). the sad thing, i think, is that even if there were only one comedy club in san diego most of the public would never know the difference. we need to change that...