introspect

love is a choice, a decision, a commitment. it's our choices and decisions in life that define who we are, not our experiences, pains or family. the only reason that anyone does anything in life is because they want to. positive or negative. i remember falling in love with my husband... and i remember doing it on purpose, not by accident. it didn't just happen on it's own, i let it happen. i remember being in tragic circumstances and letting myself be depressed. those were experiences that i have never felt before and i reveled in it, going deeper and darker hurting myself and everyone around me. it also didn't take more than a few months for me to realize the pain i was causing to everyone around me and that life is nothing without beauty, strength and love. i've experienced a lot of sadness and terrible experiences since that initial one and each time i make a conscious decision to not let that define me... to not sit in the pool of dark emotion that accompanies tragedy. every decision i've made in life has made me who i am today including the decision to let God lead me. there's a really strange thought pervading society that "yourself" is someone out there that needs to be "found." i have no idea where this comes from but i do know that it causes people to stop taking responsibility for their actions and emotions. actions more than emotions because even though we can't control how we feel all the time we CAN control EVERYTHING that we do. always. everything that a person does is because they want to. no other reason. we only do what we want. "well i do things sometimes that i don't want to do but i need to so i do them anyway" then the part of you that needs it is the part that wants it and that's why you do it. "i don't want to pay my bills but i do anyway" that's because you want to stay out of debt. "i don't want to get out of bed every day but i do" that's because you want to keep your job. and it's even those small decisions in life that makes us who we are, having character and reliability, being responsible and making priorities. sometimes it takes being irresponsible to realize that it's not what you want. sometimes people realize that they don't want to be responsible ever and they usually end up jobless and homeless and on drugs or alcohol because it's fun so that becomes their priority. there are things in life that happen out of our control but it's how we act and what we do that defines us.

haven't figured out if this is really the way i feel but i used to tell myself "God is love and love is the only reason to live." i'll have to think on that one some more.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7