no such thing as luck

about two blocks away from the place i had my heart set on - we find an apartment complex with a vacancy and a landlord looking to fill the apartment immediately! gtg

now

it all comes back to choice.

i am who i choose to be. if i'm not satisfied with that it's time to make some changes.

there is only one instant and it's all of eternity and it's right now (wl). i can't keep putting things off because all i have is right now. with anything that i do - i will only be as good as the amount of time that i put into it.

glimmer

normally if i really get my heart set on something and pray and wish really hard for it... it falls through. and this week has been no exception. apartment hunting led me to the cutest little duplex i'd ever seen in south park. it felt like part of the shire with lush greenery surrounding it on the side of a canyon, and a neighborhood fire pit circled with lawn chairs. the first day i saw the ad on craigslist joe and i drove to the apartment and wandered around the outside of it and i loved it. calling the number on the listing immediately, they informed me that the tenant would be occupying the residence for another week and that they could put my name down to call when it was ready to view and i began holding my breath, daydreaming. monday i didn't hear anything so i decided on tuesday that i would call to start filling out an application, i didn't care what the inside looked like, i wanted that apartment. as soon as i got off work, i went to my car and called the rental agency. the apartment had been filled. i cried.

in a way i guess i felt like that apartment was symbolic of who i want to be... of everything that i want...

that goes back also to a graphic design position that was being offered at the company i work for. in december i sent a resume and samples of my work. i kept checking on the career posting making sure that the position was still available and didn't hear anything from the hr department. eventually saw the position disappear from the open positions page and shortly after that a company email was sent out welcoming a new member to the creative department.

comedy, of course, has it's highs and lows... and i don't really talk about the highs much but i have had a couple of really good shows in the last couple months... but since feb 13th it's been mostly lows... not really able to get responses from the audience that i'm looking for, not really able to come up with very good new material, i'm just overall dissatisfied with myself. i'm the only one that can change it.

this morning i was finally contacted by the hr department. she told me that she had received my resume and that i didn't have the experience that they were looking for. the candidate that they chose had a degree from RISD. she said, though, that they have a program, lynda, that offers tutorials for designs and adobe programs that they could give me access to for refining my skills outside of work. it's a pretty expensive set-up so i am really grateful for them offering that to me.

i need to go back to school.

i hate it when i can't make everyone happy! i hate it when i can't make everyone like me! i hate being unhappy!!!!

there's always going to be something to complain about, there's always going to be someone unhappy, there's always going to be someone that doesn't like me...

the point is for me to be happy and satisfied with my decisions. for me to be confident, and commit to the decisions i make. to be positive, constructive and grateful.

and even though there's always going to be someone that doesn't like me, or is annoyed with me... i still need to be aware of how i'm treating people and i need to be less wrapped up in my own awkwardness. it's a little selfish to always be looking for something funny... it's a little selfish to be so self-conscious that i'm unaware of other people's feelings... everything is sort of a balancing game and it's interesting how even nutrition plays a part in being mentally balanced.

i'd like to be a more balanced individual... i wonder if the wii fit could help with that

annoying

when i first started doing comedy i had no idea what i was getting into, how many layers there are to this art or how many people flow through it. crowds can be pliable, they can be forgiving and they can be brutal. some crowds are so brutal they don't even realizing they're ruining the show. i guess that's a lesson that i'm going to have to learn as i continue... how to defend against the brutality. i'm not strong enough yet i think, i went retarded for a second last night and the encouraging voices of my friends from behind the stage lights kept me from retreating completely into the back of my mind. i will not be demeaned, right? i will not be yelled at? yes i have a lot to learn. i don't want to become jaded... i don't want to ever think 'fuck you it's funny' when a crowd doesn't laugh. but i do need to figure out my own style of gently yet firmly reminding the audience that they are the audience and not the entertainment.

there are so many different personalities to deal with in this business! it seems that naturally in an organized environment things will get very political. why can't we all just strive to be decent human beings and respect each other? nothing is more frustrating when people can't see outside of their own point of view. try putting yourself in someone else's shoes for a while, people of earth!

i have been getting booked on more shows which is pretty awesome. a couple are stage time in return for making flyers because i'm a pro at that. but a few are just people asking me to be a part of them. i can see why more of my friends haven't asked me to be on their shows as week to week i'm inconsistent comdedicly. i definitely need more stage time to develop more. gah! such a cycle!

one of my biggest fears is being considered an annoying person... and i try really hard to be considerate, helpful, constructive and positive...