communication is killer

lack of communication kills everything... it breeds darkness and negativity. when i wonder why i don't just say what i'm thinking i usually answer myself that i don't know for sure whether or not what i'm feeling is truly valid. i end up keeping it to myself and i never know how much little thoughts like that effect me until i've hoarded enough of them that they come out in little tiny monster snaps that hurt peoples feelings. since moving to our new apartment, i've been trying really hard to keep a flow of communication with my husband. after holding all of my feelings in for so long it's hard for me to bring up what bothers me. and with joseph putting all of his effort into making sure i'm happy i'm sure it's hard for him too when he disagrees with something that that upsets me or something that i think is wrong. he asked me once why i always have to be right... and i responded that of course i'm going to think i'm right until someone else tells me otherwise... that's why we discuss things. i don't just know what i've done wrong or that an idea i have is way out of line or out of proportion unless someone communicates with me. defensiveness is the opposite and enemy of communication. i think that being afraid that joseph will become defensive keeps me from communicating issues with him. part of being a woman is being emotional and feeling things deeply... we can be irrational and crazy sometimes and depending on the amount of hormones in our system we have no idea what the correct perspective is. part of what i discovered when i was with comedy was that i can open myself up more than i think and people won't hate me for it... of course when i do reveal more of what's inside me it's not all good things. i have my own orneriness and inefficiencies. i even get mad at my own goals. i really don't know what my problem is sometimes, it's almost like i'm not able to let myself be completely happy... that so much of my life is going so well i'm afraid it's not true, and as soon as something small or negative happens i almost throw up my hands and yell at the universe "i KNEW it was too good to be true!" ...but is it really too good to be true? am i so afraid of feelings, being happy, being in love that i sabotage myself? i do sabotage myself, i know that for sure... even with something as simple as making zombies... i make a few that i like and become afraid that i'll do something i don't like... i set the bar too high for myself... i need to fully grasp that it's OKAY to learn. students make mistakes and learn from them. i'm not going to produce 100% perfection all the time and accepting that is very difficult. but it's life.

relationships

one that's been pervading my thoughts a lot is my relationship with comedy... to give a history of our relationship i had brief, playful flirtations with comedy in high school drama but the full on fling began when my husband prodded me to introduce myself last year. i was infatuated... but it scared me so i took it down a notch and kept my distance for a few months. it wasn't too long before i decided i couldn't stay away and dove head over heels into what was some sort of passionate existence - spending every moment i could on the stage, spending hours in traffic, leaving work early sacrificing different parts of my life for these brief encounters that left me breathless. comedy revealed to me things that i had no idea about myself and taught me principles and awareness that i didn't even know i was lacking. my brain was moving without rest, thinking of different ideas that comedy would like, activities we could do together to keep things fresh and of course a lot of those ideas didn't pan out... comedy would get annoyed with me or disappointed when i failed. those failures began to wear on me until eventually all i could see was how i was incomplete, young and inexperienced. the stress became too much, and the communication started to break down. i didn't listen when comedy spoke to me, i just assumed that it was angry, stressing out and stomping my feet only further proving my immaturity. comedy and i began to grow apart until now where we don't even speak to each other. i don't really want to see our mutual friends for a while because it still hurts too much. though my husband is still close with it and i ask him how comedy is doing from time to time but i'm not ready yet to return to those places where we were so close. those locations where we spent those precious moments together laughing, crying, brooding... but i know that eventually my heart will heal and i'll be able to move on and we can have a healthy friendship. for now the wounds are still too fresh.