communication is killer

lack of communication kills everything... it breeds darkness and negativity. when i wonder why i don't just say what i'm thinking i usually answer myself that i don't know for sure whether or not what i'm feeling is truly valid. i end up keeping it to myself and i never know how much little thoughts like that effect me until i've hoarded enough of them that they come out in little tiny monster snaps that hurt peoples feelings. since moving to our new apartment, i've been trying really hard to keep a flow of communication with my husband. after holding all of my feelings in for so long it's hard for me to bring up what bothers me. and with joseph putting all of his effort into making sure i'm happy i'm sure it's hard for him too when he disagrees with something that that upsets me or something that i think is wrong. he asked me once why i always have to be right... and i responded that of course i'm going to think i'm right until someone else tells me otherwise... that's why we discuss things. i don't just know what i've done wrong or that an idea i have is way out of line or out of proportion unless someone communicates with me. defensiveness is the opposite and enemy of communication. i think that being afraid that joseph will become defensive keeps me from communicating issues with him. part of being a woman is being emotional and feeling things deeply... we can be irrational and crazy sometimes and depending on the amount of hormones in our system we have no idea what the correct perspective is. part of what i discovered when i was with comedy was that i can open myself up more than i think and people won't hate me for it... of course when i do reveal more of what's inside me it's not all good things. i have my own orneriness and inefficiencies. i even get mad at my own goals. i really don't know what my problem is sometimes, it's almost like i'm not able to let myself be completely happy... that so much of my life is going so well i'm afraid it's not true, and as soon as something small or negative happens i almost throw up my hands and yell at the universe "i KNEW it was too good to be true!" ...but is it really too good to be true? am i so afraid of feelings, being happy, being in love that i sabotage myself? i do sabotage myself, i know that for sure... even with something as simple as making zombies... i make a few that i like and become afraid that i'll do something i don't like... i set the bar too high for myself... i need to fully grasp that it's OKAY to learn. students make mistakes and learn from them. i'm not going to produce 100% perfection all the time and accepting that is very difficult. but it's life.