annoying

when i first started doing comedy i had no idea what i was getting into, how many layers there are to this art or how many people flow through it. crowds can be pliable, they can be forgiving and they can be brutal. some crowds are so brutal they don't even realizing they're ruining the show. i guess that's a lesson that i'm going to have to learn as i continue... how to defend against the brutality. i'm not strong enough yet i think, i went retarded for a second last night and the encouraging voices of my friends from behind the stage lights kept me from retreating completely into the back of my mind. i will not be demeaned, right? i will not be yelled at? yes i have a lot to learn. i don't want to become jaded... i don't want to ever think 'fuck you it's funny' when a crowd doesn't laugh. but i do need to figure out my own style of gently yet firmly reminding the audience that they are the audience and not the entertainment.

there are so many different personalities to deal with in this business! it seems that naturally in an organized environment things will get very political. why can't we all just strive to be decent human beings and respect each other? nothing is more frustrating when people can't see outside of their own point of view. try putting yourself in someone else's shoes for a while, people of earth!

i have been getting booked on more shows which is pretty awesome. a couple are stage time in return for making flyers because i'm a pro at that. but a few are just people asking me to be a part of them. i can see why more of my friends haven't asked me to be on their shows as week to week i'm inconsistent comdedicly. i definitely need more stage time to develop more. gah! such a cycle!

one of my biggest fears is being considered an annoying person... and i try really hard to be considerate, helpful, constructive and positive...

nope

i will not be a victim. i will not be abused. i will not be threatened. i will not be bullied. i will not be screamed at. i will not be unappreciated. i will not be taken advantage of. i will not be demeaned. i will not be an object. i will not be a tool.

i will not stand for it.

10 honest things

dorothy has nominated me for the 10 honest things list :) i don't know if mine will be as good though... i can't think of anything as brutally honest as liking the twilight series ;)

1. today i spilled a little coffee on my jeans, then realized that i've been wearing the same pair of pants the last three days... and have kept wearing them because i hadn't spilled anything on them... time to wash

2. i get really bad heartburn when it's "that time" of the month... which makes me sad.

3. choices are really hard for me to make... from what to eat to what career move i want to make... i think part of that is my lack of confidence that i will be good at whatever i choose... it's my illogical fear of regret that causes this...

4. ^ i just realized that as i was typing it...

5. i like hummus a lot. i don't think joseph has ever tried it but he refuses to let me get it at the grocery store... now it's kind of a joke and one time we had like a five minute interchange where i was trying to put it in the cart and he was treating me like ceasar milan trains dogs... it entertained a couple people in the grocery store at the time... but i've still not had any hummus.

6. my hats are cute... but sometimes i'm only wearing it because i don't want to brush my hair.

7. wishing is a waste of time... chasing dreams with action is not...

8. being happy with my choices in life makes everything so much easier... as does realizing that what's meant to happen WILL HAPPEN but i still have to do my part to get it there...

9. i'm pretty sure i've seen every episode of america's next top model... and i don't say that proudly... just honestly... and i think it's a bit worse than dorothy's admition about twilight because nothing about top model reminds me of how much god loves me. it does, however, ispire me in some ways like making useful art that tells a story, to not be boring (impossible, right? you'd think) it's also inspiring as a comic, to be aware of myself and what i'm doing... granted i am NOT aware of everything i'm doing while i'm on stage but it would be really helpful if i were.

10. i, actually really really like my life right now. no, i'm not happy with every single part of my life, but for the most part i am having a great time.

i don't think 7 people even read my blog so the following people should do the same 10 honest things:

molly
sharon
melody
jenny?

good night, blarney stone

last night was the last night for comedy at the blarney... and i'm pretty disappointed that i never got to experience the character-testing audience. the blarney was well known for having harsh audiences, hecklers and talkers. a lot of comics showed up last night... and i think knowing that this was a "last show" somewhere was what drew a lot in... we all needed some sort of closure, i think. a funeral of sorts for the three places that shut down comedy last week.

holy smokes

tuesday we found out that mad house would be closing indefinitely. there were a lot of phone calls, a lot of text messages and a lot of facebook statuses giving kinda different information as to what was really going on but bottom line was that there will be no shows until further notice. we're still really hopeful that it'll be soon but at the longest mad house will be back in business in six months. its crazy that it's only been open near 90 days and has changed so many people's lives... jessica and i were talking about it last night... that we don't want to go back to those silly lives that we had before the club. for me, the club gave my comedy purpose, inspired me and grew me... but i'm not done growing yet either. i'm just getting started, my hunger just began, i just became addicted. we also found out yesterday that the blarney stone will not be doing comedy after this sunday and that dirtbag has put a stop on all comedy plans. they had a show lined up for this saturday that they now will not be doing. that's three comedy venues gone in the past two days. it's like i just became addicted to crack and the world is all the sudden running out of crack. kim is putting an awesome plan into affect... she's starting to round up all the comics and we're going to hit up every open mic out there, and show these places, the world, ourselves that there is a market for comedy. it's possible that we, as comics, needed this as a wake up call. we need to stop san diego from becoming a one-comedy-club-town(did i use those hyphens correctly?). the sad thing, i think, is that even if there were only one comedy club in san diego most of the public would never know the difference. we need to change that...

stand up and design

i've been doing stand-up more often lately... i'm completely addicted. i don't think it really hit me until last friday when i had to finagle my way out of work early, sit in about an hour of traffic to go home and get joe then another 30 minutes or so of traffic, park about 1/2 a mile away and walk to the bar to get on stage for 3 minutes. luckily i've made friends at the place too because if not there'd be no way i'd be get on stage after the amount of people that had to wait to get on the list. yesterday, my regular monday spot, mad house, was closed for the evening so instead i went to lestats in normal heights. it was my first time going there to get on stage and i ended up being too late for the raffle. one friend offered me his spot since he had been on that stage before but the guy running the room said that he couldn't do that and would have to give his spot to the first alternate... i ended up being the 20th alternate. i like that i was able to get on at winstons and that my friend offered me his spot at lestats... i do wonder about those things though... do they do it because they genuinely think i'm funny and deserve the time? or because we're all in it together and helping each other out along the way? or maybe it's some instinctual chivalry because i'm a lady. i guess the real reason does not matter because they wouldn't do things like that if i was so unfunny i'd ruin a show. plus i like my jokes and find them humorous. i do need more practice though. every opportunity i get to be on stage i will take it. bummer that tuesday night is usually a madhouse night and they're closed again. gar! i need some stage time quick. maybe i'll find somewhere that's doing karaoke, put on a slow song and just tell my jokes instead of singing. i wonder how well that would go? it'd definitely be more entertaining than listening to someone sing... maybe if i sang between verses...

in other news i've been busy with graphic design lately as well. making things for mad house, some comics, the highwire pirates and lyralicious. plus my day job and waitressing the mad house on weekends, i'm busy busy busy. never TOO busy though. making sure i get at least 6 hours of sleep so that i maintain functionality. and i never feel like i'm in over my head with places to go and things to do... kinda anxious that i can't do more. joe got me a talet the other day as an early christmas gift which i'm STOKED about. for a long time i did expect that having a tablet would sonlve all my problems because i've wanted one for so long... so i'm learning that i still have a lot to learn in every aspect of life...

introspect

love is a choice, a decision, a commitment. it's our choices and decisions in life that define who we are, not our experiences, pains or family. the only reason that anyone does anything in life is because they want to. positive or negative. i remember falling in love with my husband... and i remember doing it on purpose, not by accident. it didn't just happen on it's own, i let it happen. i remember being in tragic circumstances and letting myself be depressed. those were experiences that i have never felt before and i reveled in it, going deeper and darker hurting myself and everyone around me. it also didn't take more than a few months for me to realize the pain i was causing to everyone around me and that life is nothing without beauty, strength and love. i've experienced a lot of sadness and terrible experiences since that initial one and each time i make a conscious decision to not let that define me... to not sit in the pool of dark emotion that accompanies tragedy. every decision i've made in life has made me who i am today including the decision to let God lead me. there's a really strange thought pervading society that "yourself" is someone out there that needs to be "found." i have no idea where this comes from but i do know that it causes people to stop taking responsibility for their actions and emotions. actions more than emotions because even though we can't control how we feel all the time we CAN control EVERYTHING that we do. always. everything that a person does is because they want to. no other reason. we only do what we want. "well i do things sometimes that i don't want to do but i need to so i do them anyway" then the part of you that needs it is the part that wants it and that's why you do it. "i don't want to pay my bills but i do anyway" that's because you want to stay out of debt. "i don't want to get out of bed every day but i do" that's because you want to keep your job. and it's even those small decisions in life that makes us who we are, having character and reliability, being responsible and making priorities. sometimes it takes being irresponsible to realize that it's not what you want. sometimes people realize that they don't want to be responsible ever and they usually end up jobless and homeless and on drugs or alcohol because it's fun so that becomes their priority. there are things in life that happen out of our control but it's how we act and what we do that defines us.

haven't figured out if this is really the way i feel but i used to tell myself "God is love and love is the only reason to live." i'll have to think on that one some more.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7