today: 25 weeks, 2 days

slowly progressing, one day at a time, growing larger by the moment :)

i've been stuggling to keep even emotions lately... at work unruly customers get to me and frustrate me more than usual... at home i mostly battle my computer. last night i spent hours and hours on a logo, thinking that it was saved the entire time but when i went to save as a copy turns out illustrator wasn't saving it at all and shut down without so much as a jpeg to show for all the work. it really shouldn't suprise me so much because my version of the software isn't exactly legal. but that didn't keep me from crying about it.

i've also been having some weird weird dreams lately... last night i had psychic abilities and a talking dog.

struggling with having faith that the world be will repaired as i do my part... faith that the world is doing it's part...

it's a girl!

today: 19 weeks, 2 days

went to the sonogram technician today for the "20 week" ultrasound. we're not QUITE 20 weeks along but they were able to see everything they needed including what turned out to be little lady parts :)

the tech was very impressed with how well she was able to capture little bailey as she flipped and kicked around during the process. she's a very active one, i feel her moving around quite often. i love that we got to see her move around on the sonogram, and it's awesome that even as i'm typing i can picture what she's doing in there that's causing the fluttering feeling in my abdomen. i already love her and joseph's whole face lit up as he watched the little baby move and turn and open and close her hands.

pictures!

this one is my favorite, a perfectly captured profile

leg and belly, big ol' baby belly that i can't wait to give raspberries

baby skeleton

my second favorite, showing her tibia, fibula, radius, ulna and humerus

and the winner is... it's a girl!

another profile

baby ticker

today: 15 weeks 6 days
i keep beginning an entry then end up forgetting what i'm doing, getting distracted, or falling asleep. i've had quite the journey with this pregnancy so far and still find it a bit difficult to accept as reality.

making it through the first trimester was pretty rough, but i did have assistance from many directions, including dorothy's sea bands which really helped with the nausea. now that i'm in the second semester i don' feel nauseous nearly as often but i am pretty exhausted all the time. my belly bump has become noticeable only to me and my size 9 pants still fit!

jenny and i have been taking walks at the nightime zoo at least once a week (a year pass was my bday present from her). i'm dissapointed that summer is coming to a close but i'm also looking forward to the autumn months. i'm still working on ideas for a pregnant halloween costume.

i can't wait to have a baby. there's a fullfilment in it that i don't think i've ever realized before. after stuggling with art and comedy i now realize that THIS is my purpose. and while i still enjoy writing and creating, my child will be my true legacy.

painfully uncool

yeah for once in a rare blue moon i see everything clear. i'll be a beautiful let down, that's what i'll forever be. and though it may cost my soul i'll sing for free. we're still chasin our tails and the rising run and our dark planet's still spinning in a race where no one wins and no one's won.

i don't belong here i don't belong here...

we are a beautiful let down. painfully uncool.
church of the dropouts, the losers, the sinners, the failures and the fools. oh, what a beautiful let down. are we salt in the wound? let us sing one true tune...

feels like i don't belong here... feels like i'm a let down cuz i don't belong here

communication is killer

lack of communication kills everything... it breeds darkness and negativity. when i wonder why i don't just say what i'm thinking i usually answer myself that i don't know for sure whether or not what i'm feeling is truly valid. i end up keeping it to myself and i never know how much little thoughts like that effect me until i've hoarded enough of them that they come out in little tiny monster snaps that hurt peoples feelings. since moving to our new apartment, i've been trying really hard to keep a flow of communication with my husband. after holding all of my feelings in for so long it's hard for me to bring up what bothers me. and with joseph putting all of his effort into making sure i'm happy i'm sure it's hard for him too when he disagrees with something that that upsets me or something that i think is wrong. he asked me once why i always have to be right... and i responded that of course i'm going to think i'm right until someone else tells me otherwise... that's why we discuss things. i don't just know what i've done wrong or that an idea i have is way out of line or out of proportion unless someone communicates with me. defensiveness is the opposite and enemy of communication. i think that being afraid that joseph will become defensive keeps me from communicating issues with him. part of being a woman is being emotional and feeling things deeply... we can be irrational and crazy sometimes and depending on the amount of hormones in our system we have no idea what the correct perspective is. part of what i discovered when i was with comedy was that i can open myself up more than i think and people won't hate me for it... of course when i do reveal more of what's inside me it's not all good things. i have my own orneriness and inefficiencies. i even get mad at my own goals. i really don't know what my problem is sometimes, it's almost like i'm not able to let myself be completely happy... that so much of my life is going so well i'm afraid it's not true, and as soon as something small or negative happens i almost throw up my hands and yell at the universe "i KNEW it was too good to be true!" ...but is it really too good to be true? am i so afraid of feelings, being happy, being in love that i sabotage myself? i do sabotage myself, i know that for sure... even with something as simple as making zombies... i make a few that i like and become afraid that i'll do something i don't like... i set the bar too high for myself... i need to fully grasp that it's OKAY to learn. students make mistakes and learn from them. i'm not going to produce 100% perfection all the time and accepting that is very difficult. but it's life.

relationships

one that's been pervading my thoughts a lot is my relationship with comedy... to give a history of our relationship i had brief, playful flirtations with comedy in high school drama but the full on fling began when my husband prodded me to introduce myself last year. i was infatuated... but it scared me so i took it down a notch and kept my distance for a few months. it wasn't too long before i decided i couldn't stay away and dove head over heels into what was some sort of passionate existence - spending every moment i could on the stage, spending hours in traffic, leaving work early sacrificing different parts of my life for these brief encounters that left me breathless. comedy revealed to me things that i had no idea about myself and taught me principles and awareness that i didn't even know i was lacking. my brain was moving without rest, thinking of different ideas that comedy would like, activities we could do together to keep things fresh and of course a lot of those ideas didn't pan out... comedy would get annoyed with me or disappointed when i failed. those failures began to wear on me until eventually all i could see was how i was incomplete, young and inexperienced. the stress became too much, and the communication started to break down. i didn't listen when comedy spoke to me, i just assumed that it was angry, stressing out and stomping my feet only further proving my immaturity. comedy and i began to grow apart until now where we don't even speak to each other. i don't really want to see our mutual friends for a while because it still hurts too much. though my husband is still close with it and i ask him how comedy is doing from time to time but i'm not ready yet to return to those places where we were so close. those locations where we spent those precious moments together laughing, crying, brooding... but i know that eventually my heart will heal and i'll be able to move on and we can have a healthy friendship. for now the wounds are still too fresh.

my first media mention

san diego citybeat magazine 04-14-10 page 40


link to online article

beryl corbitt

"we leave with nothing but love"
i've come to accept that i'm not quite normal... that i don't handle most situations the way that an average individual would... doesn't mean that i don't try most of the time. it comforts me to know the amount of people in my life that have known and accepted this about me long before i had a clue :)
looking back, my great grandmother was the same way. though she was 60 years older than me i always found a bit of my identity in her. for as long as i knew her she was never the the one leading a conversation or trying to be the center of attention but was a goldmine of information and ready to answer any questions she may have the answer to. one of my favorite moments with her was when she came to my bridal shower and pulled me aside, wanting me to open my present from her separate from the rest of the gifts. inside the gift was curtains, a jewelry box, and an apron. she lifted up the apron and said "this isn't for you, it's for joseph" and started giggling. she had an amazing memory too, often asking by name how my friends were doing. she even remembered their birthdays. i like remembering her when i was about five years old and she was trying to teach me how to swim faster... wading in the shallow end of the pool with her skirted bathing suite and huge white visor...
there's no doubt that she lived a full life... no one can ask for more than 95 years. her passing does amplify a certain gap in our family... and i have to find my own way to celebrate her life.

"only the losers win, we're got nothing to prove. we'll leave the world with nothing to lose" -sf

moving right along

so it's been over a week since the st patrick's day show. it was kind of embarrassing. i had realized that day that i didn't have confirmation from either of our headliners that they would be on the show since the other comic was the one that was in touch with them. (side note: from spending a lot of time at the club i see a lot of comics put on shows and i see a lot of them get really obsessed and really hound people about details - how many reservations they have, how much they're promoting, etc and i would always think "man, they should relax, i'm sure everything is going to work out" but now i know why they're like that... they're responsible for this entire event and a part of their reputation is riding on it) so i should have taken more responsibility from the beginning instead of assuming that any one else would be handling any part of it. also earlier in the day i received a call from the gentleman that fills in the back 30 minutes of a 90 minutes show saying that one of the comics was sick but had a friend in town that he'd like to take his spot. and since this particular comic that was sick is influential in the club it's very silly to be unaccepting of any of his suggestions. so i arrive at the club, and give them the low-down that i didn't promote as much as i thought i would be able to and that i didn't know if the headliners would show up and that there was a last-minute substitution. The manager said that one of the headliners had called in and would be there and that there were some reservations for the show i didn't know about, so a little good news. once the doors open people show up slowly and ended up with about 40 people in the audience which is really small but more than i expected so thank you, jesus. a couple comics that were booked on the back end of the show were a little stressed and worrisome about it being a clean show and that some of the people i had invited from church which came across with low energy and i was frustrated that they were annoyed with it. another comedian that i was unfamiliar with showed up and many of the comics vouched for his reputation and asked if he could have stage time, which i complied with since one of the headliners never showed and since the friend of the sick comic never showed. so the fill-in took the stage then the headliner took the stage and about halfway through his set, the dude's friend arrives and i of course have to give him stage time and stretch the show longer than it should go. we finally close the show and attempt a tip bucket which i don't know how good that idea was... so i don't think the club made much money and i didn't make much money and everyone left a little frustrated and annoyed. the next day i woke up completely sick with a pounding headache, stuffed sinuses, aching body and nausea. i haven't been on stage or even to a comedy show since then.

i haven't had much time for creating any art lately outside of the flyers for the shows i'm doing. now that we have our own place i have a lot of space to set up my easel and do some painting. i have space, but not time. comedy is very time consuming and now that i have the opportunity to spend time on my art i'd much rather develop those skills as it's so much more fulfilling. my buddy !b has been helping me out in both departments, comedy and design. and i feel like i'm disappointing him a bit by taking a break from the comedy but in reality at the end of the day i have to chase my own dreams, not someone else's. i'd much rather be an artist than a comedian. and though the pressure is still there for the approval of the public at least i can spend time improving my work and creating something i'm happy with before leaving my house... while in comedy we have to succeed and fail in front of an audience in order to improve. and although i'm no where near being a pro at either one i'd rather dedicate all of my free time into creating art. it's where my heart is.

i really love the area that i live in right now and the small town atmosphere really reminds me a lot of life in siloam springs. a friend of mine lives right around the corner from me and we've been spending a lot of time hanging out together and helping each other move in to our apartments, walking to local restraunts and coffee shops. it really makes it feel like a real neighborhood having a great neighbor. and like i told her the other night, i feel like i'm being who i always wanted to be... and i'm allowing myself all these wonderful parts in life that i've always wanted to have.

tonight

a month or two ago another comic and i chose st patrick's day to promote for the club. we decided to put on a clean show and invite a bunch of local churches. the only church that ended up getting the info was good old calvary. i also spent a ton of time sending messages to friends on facebook, texting pretty much everyone in my phone and putting ads on craigslist... to the avail of 30 reservations. i needed at least 200. i obviously have absolutely no idea how to promote.

the other comic and i met up last night to hand out the fliers i designed and printed. we went to berean, the christian book store across the street and i felt weird going in without buying anything... so i found the original jars of clay cd and while i was paying for it she asked if we could leave some fliers at the front. when we left she asked why we didn't just request to talk with a manager to begin with and i asked her why she didn't say something while we were in there and i was looking for that cd. she said that she's over all of this and wanted to just leave. i was too stressed about the show to give any pep talks so we went to denny's, left some fliers then went our separate ways. i handed out some fliers around my neighborhood but no one likes a salesman so i got a lot of up-turned noses. i left some fliers in the neighborhood coffee shop and went home to rearrange the living room.

our furniture is too big for the living room, by the way.

i'm trying not to stress about the show tonight but i'm partially afraid that the club will say that it's not worth it to do a show with so few reservations, or that of my 30 that only 10 will actually show. all i can do is pray.

i blasted the jars of clay cd my whole way home last night. it's so so so good. yes it is from like '95 and i listened to it in the 6th grade... but back then i couldn't appreciate it's perfection and i can see why jars of clay didn't put out any albums for so long after it. every single song is beautiful and packed with thoughtful instrumentation and lyrics. every single one of them.

promoting

so last night was interesting. being booked on a show at winston's definitely made me feel differently about the place. i used to feel intensely more awkward when it was just an open mic for me. staying for the whole show gives it a different feel. i handed out fliers all afternoon with kim before the show, which was an a new experience. it was really hard for me to reach out to people, even just to hand them a small piece of paper. also, i didn't see anyone that took a flier at the show. a bunch of my friends showed up though, that was awesome. and some of them brought friends too. i did fair, i think. i kept everyone's attention and got big laughs on the jokes that i believe in. some of my friends that were there haven't seen me on stage since my first couple times a year ago. back when i wasn't taking it seriously. they told me that they were really impressed with the amount of progress i've made which is really nice to hear. i also received some positive feedback from the dude that runs the room who, actually started with me way back when i wasn't serious about it... i don't think my friends even recognized him because of the amount that he's grown in the last year. he's a real pro now.
my buddy !b helped me design the fliers i was handing out, and since i've been showing off my skills more lately i've been getting a lot of attention in the designing department. soon !b and i along with some other team members will be forming project typo more. first line of business will be the development and creation or advertisements. i've also had a few requests for business cards from comics... which really challenges my creativity. business cards are very important.
the new apartment is soooo lovely. a friend lives very close by so i've been spending a lot of time with her. i love the area we're in, it reminds me so much of life in arkansas. it's a small neighborhood with supermarket, coffee shop, bars and restaurants in walking distance. i love walking!

music

i hope one day i can create something as beautiful as an acoustic guitar playing on a dark cloudy day while palm trees swish and bend in the wind

no such thing as luck

about two blocks away from the place i had my heart set on - we find an apartment complex with a vacancy and a landlord looking to fill the apartment immediately! gtg

now

it all comes back to choice.

i am who i choose to be. if i'm not satisfied with that it's time to make some changes.

there is only one instant and it's all of eternity and it's right now (wl). i can't keep putting things off because all i have is right now. with anything that i do - i will only be as good as the amount of time that i put into it.

glimmer

normally if i really get my heart set on something and pray and wish really hard for it... it falls through. and this week has been no exception. apartment hunting led me to the cutest little duplex i'd ever seen in south park. it felt like part of the shire with lush greenery surrounding it on the side of a canyon, and a neighborhood fire pit circled with lawn chairs. the first day i saw the ad on craigslist joe and i drove to the apartment and wandered around the outside of it and i loved it. calling the number on the listing immediately, they informed me that the tenant would be occupying the residence for another week and that they could put my name down to call when it was ready to view and i began holding my breath, daydreaming. monday i didn't hear anything so i decided on tuesday that i would call to start filling out an application, i didn't care what the inside looked like, i wanted that apartment. as soon as i got off work, i went to my car and called the rental agency. the apartment had been filled. i cried.

in a way i guess i felt like that apartment was symbolic of who i want to be... of everything that i want...

that goes back also to a graphic design position that was being offered at the company i work for. in december i sent a resume and samples of my work. i kept checking on the career posting making sure that the position was still available and didn't hear anything from the hr department. eventually saw the position disappear from the open positions page and shortly after that a company email was sent out welcoming a new member to the creative department.

comedy, of course, has it's highs and lows... and i don't really talk about the highs much but i have had a couple of really good shows in the last couple months... but since feb 13th it's been mostly lows... not really able to get responses from the audience that i'm looking for, not really able to come up with very good new material, i'm just overall dissatisfied with myself. i'm the only one that can change it.

this morning i was finally contacted by the hr department. she told me that she had received my resume and that i didn't have the experience that they were looking for. the candidate that they chose had a degree from RISD. she said, though, that they have a program, lynda, that offers tutorials for designs and adobe programs that they could give me access to for refining my skills outside of work. it's a pretty expensive set-up so i am really grateful for them offering that to me.

i need to go back to school.

i hate it when i can't make everyone happy! i hate it when i can't make everyone like me! i hate being unhappy!!!!

there's always going to be something to complain about, there's always going to be someone unhappy, there's always going to be someone that doesn't like me...

the point is for me to be happy and satisfied with my decisions. for me to be confident, and commit to the decisions i make. to be positive, constructive and grateful.

and even though there's always going to be someone that doesn't like me, or is annoyed with me... i still need to be aware of how i'm treating people and i need to be less wrapped up in my own awkwardness. it's a little selfish to always be looking for something funny... it's a little selfish to be so self-conscious that i'm unaware of other people's feelings... everything is sort of a balancing game and it's interesting how even nutrition plays a part in being mentally balanced.

i'd like to be a more balanced individual... i wonder if the wii fit could help with that

annoying

when i first started doing comedy i had no idea what i was getting into, how many layers there are to this art or how many people flow through it. crowds can be pliable, they can be forgiving and they can be brutal. some crowds are so brutal they don't even realizing they're ruining the show. i guess that's a lesson that i'm going to have to learn as i continue... how to defend against the brutality. i'm not strong enough yet i think, i went retarded for a second last night and the encouraging voices of my friends from behind the stage lights kept me from retreating completely into the back of my mind. i will not be demeaned, right? i will not be yelled at? yes i have a lot to learn. i don't want to become jaded... i don't want to ever think 'fuck you it's funny' when a crowd doesn't laugh. but i do need to figure out my own style of gently yet firmly reminding the audience that they are the audience and not the entertainment.

there are so many different personalities to deal with in this business! it seems that naturally in an organized environment things will get very political. why can't we all just strive to be decent human beings and respect each other? nothing is more frustrating when people can't see outside of their own point of view. try putting yourself in someone else's shoes for a while, people of earth!

i have been getting booked on more shows which is pretty awesome. a couple are stage time in return for making flyers because i'm a pro at that. but a few are just people asking me to be a part of them. i can see why more of my friends haven't asked me to be on their shows as week to week i'm inconsistent comdedicly. i definitely need more stage time to develop more. gah! such a cycle!

one of my biggest fears is being considered an annoying person... and i try really hard to be considerate, helpful, constructive and positive...

nope

i will not be a victim. i will not be abused. i will not be threatened. i will not be bullied. i will not be screamed at. i will not be unappreciated. i will not be taken advantage of. i will not be demeaned. i will not be an object. i will not be a tool.

i will not stand for it.